So I was reading back through my previous blog and it seems the last time I blogged was the last time I went to Switzerland and met Amy’s mum.
Wow, how so much has changed since the last time I came on here… I should come on here more often really, I aways like to have a little vent and chat some shit to myself. I only ever usually do this sort of thing when I have time on my hands and I have nothing better to do.
Prime example… Right now!! I am sat in Café Nero near Manchester Piccadilly station, I’d say in Manchester but I said that it was near the station ha ha. I am going snowboarding this weekend with my mate from York. I can’t wait. My mum got me a new snowboard for Christmas and some new gear for my birthday.
They’re awesome man!! I really love them!! I can’t wait to get on the slopes and test them all out. I’m a little scared about going this time… Last time we went we knew that we couldn’t board… But since then we have had a few lessons and are comfortable on a board which makes me more confident… When I get confident I tend to take it to the extremes and go too far! Going to the more challenging part of the slopes or going fast than I should. How else are we to push ourselves though?
My mate is bringing his GoPro HD camera that is barely the size of a pack of fags. It attaches to your clothes and has a remote so you can fix it to your helmet or jacket and press record and away it goes… Recording in glorious HD as we glide down the side of a mountain.
I have been practising editing videos… For we have now set up a group called “Heroes of the Joker Card”… Which in essence is a media and entertainment group of friends and make music, videos, events or anything else you could want us to do. It is still in the very early stages of development and we still have a lot of work to do to get it where we want to get it but it definitely has a lot of potential to be great. We have a YouTube channel with a couple of videos on it which I will link for you now…
I’ll also put our Facebook there if you want to venture over to it and give us a like. That way you will be able to keep in check and up-to-date with what we are up to
Go and check out the song that we have up or the music video that we made. Like I say, it is still in the very early stages and we still have a long way to go.
I usually dedicate part of this blog to write about how me and Amy are getting on… I wouldn’t fail to keep up the tradition in this blog too. We are great!! It has almost been 2 months since we made things official!! This has been the happiest time of my life!
My prospects have improved so much since I have got to know her. She makes me want to push myself and achieve the things that I know I am capable of yet have never really put the effort in to want them. I was on a childcare course until just after Christmas but I decided that maybe childcare wasn’t the correct route to go for me and I have now opted for Youth Work.
I know it’s not a massive change but this way, I can now get off the dole and finally get earning money as well as gaining experience as a volunteer in a youth club near my house. To be honest the thing I am most looking forward to is earning money!! Being able to stand on my own two feet and support myself and take Amy out and not worry about how much I am spending. Pay my own bills and not rely on my mum or anyone else for help.
This has bugged me for a long time. Not being able to support myself… It really has. But now since I have been with Amy, as much as it has been a slow transition to get where I want to go… I am finally getting there!! So in hindsight… Amy is the BEST thing that has ever happened to be… ever. She means so much to me. She is the only person that I have ever thought I could have a future with.
I haven’t ever really thought about the future… I tend to plan for the coming days or weeks. I never really think about the next few months or years. Now that I am with her that has changed… I turn 22 in a couple of weeks. I am getting on now, I don’t want to say I am getting old because I aren’t really, 22 is still a tender age. Granted it’s the back end of the age you can fuck things up and get away with it but 22 is still no age. Now I am thinking about the things I need to be doing to get myself a future sorted, a career sorted, a house, a family. Who knows what is around the corner… I don’t that’s for frigging certain!! All I do know is… I want Amy to be a part of it!!
Sitting in Café Nero at the minute and I have just glanced out of the window and saw the snow!! WOW!! It is insane how much it is coming down. When I came in it was snowing a little bit but not nearly as much as it is now!! My mum told me that it is nearly a foot deep in Zurich. She said that it has been snowing non stop for the past 4 days. I do love the snow… We have had quite a lot of it this year in the North-East… I got a little sick of it if I am totally honest. But I am well prepared for the sub-zero temperatures it will be in Switzerland for the few days I will be there.
Well I think I am signing off now. I am going for a surf on the World Wide Web and numb my brain with something instead of filling it with potentially valuable information. Jokes… I’m going to get another coffee and go and plug Heroes some more and talk about Amy somewhere ha ha. It’s what I do best!!
Peace out followers… Take care and I guess I will speak to you all very soon.
And by god am I sorry, for the things that I shouldn’t have done
Just trust me I’ve looked, in myself and in books.
Well I don’t know what I’d do, without you
Well I don’t know what I’d do, without you.
Don’t waste your life on forgiveness
The world might pass you by
Don’t waste your life on forgiveness
As the world moves slowly by
The words that you’d say, words like hate, rip in to me like a blade
Now my shirt’s a mess, my sleeves are rolled up, and you’ve unzipped your dress
You’ve damn near killed me, we’ve thrown bottles and ashtrays and god knows what else
Still I don’t know what I’d do, without you
Fire still breathes inside of me can you find it inside of you?
The world might pass you by
Don’t waste your life on forgiveness
As the world moves slowly by
Well I don’t know what I’d do, without you.
Well I don’t know what I’d do, without you.
Well I don’t know what I’d do, without you., without you
Now there’s peace, just total silence
Those by-gones, they’re by-gones, they’re by-gone
After a few months of being down and floating through life aimlessly I finally have some sort of direction. I down because I felt pretty alone in the world, my friends were disappearing thick and fast, I had no job prospects and I was making bad decisions. I was stuck in a rut. Wallowing in self-pity and self-dispair.
I am pleased to say now that the feeling that became a part of my life has now moved on and got itself out of my life. I am slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am who I am and I have to make the most of what I have got and do good with it.
At the moment I am now doing a childcare course, getting an NVQ equivalent qualification so I can get a job in the sector eventually when I am fully trained up. Also I have a meeting next week to start volunteering in a local Youth Club. I have read that they offer a training opportunity to people who they seem fit. So if I go and show my eagerness and show them that I am keen to learn I could be getting trained up in Youth Work too.
I have been doing my Childcare course now for a number of weeks and I am loving it!! The cloud that was hanging over me and preventing me from doing what I want to do was a big one. It seemed almost too much. I have been there before and my mum helped me then, by moving me to Switzerland and taking me away from it all. This time I have managed to do it for myself and rise above temptation and say no to it.
I feel much stronger as a person and having the ability now to take what I love and make it something that I actually want to do. Children and young people are definitely something that I want to be able to work in eventually. It will take time, a lot of hard work and perseverance to get there but I will get there and no one will stop me.
My friends I know have their own lives and I’m not the centre of attention. Not that I expected to be, at all. I just miss seeing people like I used to when I was at uni. I guess that life is different when you are a student, you have the group of people that are on your course and the group of people that you live with and so on. It’s just a big change not to have them anymore, especially when you are a person like me who flourishes and needs people around to be able to do things. I am now learning to enjoy my own company and have the confidence to do things on my own.
Not saying that I aren’t confident because I am. All of my friends will tell you that I am possibly one of the most confident people that they know. It’s just I thought I needed them around to be able to do what I wanted. Which I now know is totally not true. It is me that has to do it. Me. I mean, with a little help from my friends of course but I know I can’t rely on other people.
Me and Amy are making progress too!! I mean, we’re not in a relationship or anything but we are spending a lot of time together and we have actually have a sober conversation about what we want from each other. At the moment we are just good friends. We agreed that we can’t let anyone else sway what we want from each other. Which I know was happening. I am currently living with my ex, who is on the same course as her and Amy obviously had to take in to account her feelings when it came to wanting to get with me. I had a conversation with Emma (my ex) the other day and she really isn’t bothered. I mean, she now has a new bloke on the go and really isn’t fussed about what I do. I mean, our groups of friends are the same group. All of our friends are friends.
So after we had this conversation the other day, she came round the next day and I don’t want this to sound like sex is all I want from her, at all, but we had sex. It was amazing!! I feel we connect on a whole new level. I would consider myself sexually inexperienced but I know a good sexual chemistry when I feel one and wow!! Just wow!! It was different this time. Usually when we had sex before we were pissed or under the influences of something. This time we were totally sober and ourselves.
It had been nearly three weeks ago she had said to me that she didn’t want to have sex with me any more because it would complicate what we have going. I mean, after we had “the” talk she had gone round to her friends to pick up some stuff to go home. I text her saying that I would be there either way, what ever she had decided to happen between us. Then she told me that her friends had told her that we are perfect together!! I mean how much more proof do you want. I said before that I know she likes me and that was why it was so frustrating.
When she came round the other day. We had gone to her friends to chill and have a good old chin wag with them all, it was Thursday, her mates had been out the night before and were hungover. She asked me if she could sleep at mine and of course I had said yes. I never expected that to happen. We had the house to ourselves because my housemate had gone to passion, I never thought for a second that we would hit it off like we did.
She then came round on Friday for round 2!! Not that I knew it was going to happen, she had been at uni all day and she said she was coming round to chill and watch a film. I had fell, in my head, into the friend zone and I didn’t expect us to have sex again but we did! It was so fucking intense and amazingly good!!
By my writing and reading this back it seems that I only care about the sex, oh on the contrary. She is such an amazing person. She is like a female version of me. Outgoing, doesn’t give a fuck and has a lot of good things going for her. On the other hand, she is driven, active and motivated. I can tell that as I spend more and more time with her I am slowly becoming these things for the first time in my life. She has such a positive effect on me. I want to get up on a morning and make myself the best person I can be because I know if I don’t I wouldn’t have a chance with her.
She doesn’t take shit. Nor should she. I get that. I am usually the one to dish the shit out thick and fast though, I am usually in such a fucked up situation that I can’t see myself doing it. I can now, I stop and I think. I am making the right decisions for once! It feels so fucking good!!
I had a long conversation with my mum today, I fucking love my mum!! I miss her so much!! She means so much to me. We had a big catch up on everything. Pretty much everything I have covered in this blog to be honest plus a few more things that I can’t really be chewed going in to right now because it would take to long and I am thinking of drawing this to a close but the fact that I am now happy and making progress with everything that I want to be doing she said makes her so happy. Which makes me happy. Positive thinking is definitely the way forward from now on. Keep my mind in a positive place and try my hardest not to fall back in to the negative way of life.
Well thats it for me today, I have had my vent and said all I have to say. Hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing this one. It makes a pleasant change to be able to write something positive rather than the negative babble that I have plastered all over here.
See you all again soon
Ciao for now
There’s something magical and so hopelessly romantic about fireworks. I love them!! I am a hopeless romantic at heart, or so I like to think anyway. I went to the fireworks today on Ashbrooke Cricket Pitch with Amy, Adam, Laura, Holly, Kerry, Rachael, Sheryl and Andy.
I had a really good time, the fireworks were awesome!! It was a good 25 minutes long with a little fairground for the kiddies. That place got me really broody, all the kids running around going just a lot crazy all on their sugar high from the candy-floss and winning the fish on the hook-a-duck.
I love situations like that, where a group of friends can go out together and have a good time, without the need for any alcohol or other substance that you might encounter on a night out. It so much more enjoyable and memorable! Its not very often that we get the opportunity to do that really, not in the day and age that we live in.
I know I always tend to go back to this subject and I would apologise for doing so but this plays on my mind a lot and writing it on here helps to make sense of it somewhat. Amy was there, and we were obviously chatting and getting along fine. There were a few “moments.” Or from what I got from it there were anyway. The eye contact and body language were indicating interest and the way she talks to me, all to me show me that she likes me.
It annoys me so much that I know she kind of likes me but because she doesn’t want a sort of commitment she won’t even give me a second thought, well she will but I have definitely been “LJBF’d”. Four words a guy never wants to hear when he likes a beautiful woman. “Let’s Just Be Friends.” Especially when she really is that beautiful.
But something is better than nothing, right? I really enjoy spending time with her and wouldn’t change the fact that I do! I just get the feeling that I am somewhat lost in my own mind, creating situations that I, in my head, thinks she likes and feels the same way. I don’t know man. It’s a funny old situation I am in at the minute with her.
Her friend Laura was there, she is pretty damn cool and on our way home from the display she was saying that she is pretty good at reading people and so I was pretty intrigued and asked her “Go on the beats, what can you read from me?” … She got it so spot on! She said “Well at the beginning of the year you were so unhappy with yourself and you looked down like all of the time.” I replied with, “What about now then?” She laughed and said “Well now you are happy and you seem to be back to yourself and have some self-worth”
Talk about hitting the nail on the head! I was so depressed a couple of months ago, everything had fallen to shit and I had pretty much no one in the world. I get that everyone has their demons and not everyone wants to know about yours. Now, I am doing my childcare course and I am beginning to go volunteering at a local Youth Club and maybe going into spending an hour with potential re-offenders to steer them away from things that might lead them to re-offending.
So life is pretty good at the minute. I just need to get this Amy situation under control in my own head really. I know that if I tried to get her to see what I am capable of as more than just a friend and play the right game she will come to her senses. I aren’t going to push, but then maybe I should. I just don’t know…
Drawing this to a close, so the fireworks were awesome!! I had such a good time in Ashbrooke this evening! I have a little video of them and I’m tempted to upload it to YouTube. If I do I will put it on here in a separate blog. Or I could even edit this one and put it in somewhere around here . Good to spend time with friends. I feel friends and so taken for granted. I don’t know where I would be without my friends… I seriously care for them all so much and none of them ever get told that they are cared for really. I have mentioned it a few times pissed but I guess it doesn’t mean the same coming from someone with a skin full of whiskey rather than first thing on a morning over a cup of tea and a bacon sarnie.
Well that’s it for me so far. I’m sure I will be back again soon! Thanks for reading
When two things collide, it doesn’t matter how hard the two things come in to contact nor the place in which it happens but you can guarantee one thing will happen. Change. The subtlety of the change is insignificant, the fact you can’t see the change does not mean for a second that it is not there. Change is a funny thing really, it seems to be something that we obviously can not control.
Among the many things we can control, where we choose to reside, who we socialise with, what career path to venture in to, what car we drive all then create change once we have them or not. Change is always there, whether we like it or not. Change can be good for example a big influx of cash or you win a competition. On the other hand, change can be bad too, a death of a friend or even something less drastic like you can’t find your house keys.
Some people don’t like change, me personally am fine with it. I am pretty laid back and easygoing. I would say that I have a low cortisol level and can deal with situations pretty well. I can totally relate to people who would not want to change their ways, a happy family with two kids and the white picket fence or, to go extreme again, an astronaut who has been chosen out of so many other candidates for that job would not want to change anything.
What about ourselves? I mean, we are the person we are and we are stuck being that person for the rest of our lives, correct? Sure on a physical level, you will always have the same eyes, nose, mouth, hair, legs, toes, arms, fingers. Obviously not if you go through surgery or something happened to you to change that, see there’s that word again. But what about our attitudes and the way we deal with things, girls, job interviews, different social situations, family and friends. If you’re not the most sociable person, might prefer to sit as a fly on the wall soaking everything in but not really participating in what could potentially turn in to the night of your life.
If a simple shift of the mindset you have at that time, sitting on a sofa in the quiet area with your iPhone or android in your hand updating Facebook with “I can’t be arsed.” The narcissistic and vaguely pathetic status that no body wants to see. I can’t say a god damn word because I am up there with the best of them wallowing in my own despair and self-pity. I tend to turn to twitter, where not a massive amount of my friends have it or follow me, when the self-loathing is feeling strong. Bury my head in the cans and scotch and the endless cigarettes.
What I am trying to say is, if your mind-set was to change from a timid wall flower that would be beautiful if it bloomed to the most brightest, most colourful and confident flower of them all. Then you, as a person not the flower, proceed to take a powerful and confident stance and turned a bright smile on their face and realise they can do this! What do you know? It’s happening! It’s scientifically proven that if you stand in a powerful position for two minutes, feeling the power, that your testosterone and cortisol hormones are affected.
Have you ever heard the saying “Fake it until you make it.” Put a smile on your face, shoulders back, chest out and hold your chin high. Then, what was negative, things that would bother you, would slowly starting shifting into the not so bothered pile because you are feeling more confident to be able to conquer these problems that you could not before. Most of what comes in to our lives is inevitable and we can’t change that.
But what we can change is how we deal with it, how we anticipate every situation and think what would be the best outcome of this. Make it happen. Motivate, push yourself. I like three words, passion, persistence and perseverance. These three words I feel would get you anywhere in life. Do anything you want to because you have faked it until you made it.
I’m kinda running out of psychobabble now but it has been good to have a somewhat positive blog. I’d say nothing has changed but a shift in myself has been made, now I know what I want from life and I don’t care how I get there I will. Passion, persistence and perseverance.
It’s funny really. I wrote about Amy the other day and I thought it would help. She stayed at mine last night, I went out with Adam and saw a band called 12 Dirt Bullets. They were really good, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Life is so fucking weird, how it can go from so fucking good to, I wouldn’t want to say bad because I aren’t a negative person, but change drastically. Amy came round for a little bit after the gig and then me and Adam went to town…
It was a good night, I soon sobered up once I got in and I came back early. But I ended up going back out. By the time I got back out, the people that we went to town to go meet had left.
Something happened that I wasn’t to happy about and I felt so alone once I was back in there. Not that I am bothered about being alone because I can deal with my own company. But I need someone to be there for me too… As much as my friends are my friends and I will be there for them no matter what!
I need someone to listen to me once in a while. I feel really alone at the minute, as much as I have a select few friends that are there for me they don’t fully understand what I’m going through. Not that they should because I’m not one to speak about my problems to friends, as much as they say a problem shared is a problem halved, I don’t.
Amy… It’s not like we had a conversation about what we want, it just fell into conversation that she didn’t want to have sex with me again because she feels it complicates things. Which is totally understandable but I was more than happy with what we had going… Friends with benefits. Sex on a semi daily basis is better than not at all.
One thing you should know about me, as outgoing as I am and as much as I can start a conversation with pretty much anyone, when it comes to women I am a total failure. I cant pull. Lads going into town and pull a lass within the first 30 seconds, start necking with her and take her home. I can’t. Don’t for the life of me ask me why. I just can’t break the barrier.
Intimacy to me is something that actually means something and not something that I share with a randomer. Having sex to me is more than satisfying the carnal need of a human being yet connecting with someone. Going to a place that you wouldn’t go with just anyone.
I don’t understand how people can go and sleep about letting people into their most intimate of places without having any actual feeling involved. It doesn’t make sense to me. I guess I’d say I’m old fashioned in the sense that I would rather be with one person and dedicate myself to them rather than be that person people call on when they are bored.
Not that, that ever happens to me. I’m shit at “pulling.” Like I said before I can’t break the intimacy barrier, to go out with the intention of bringing someone home to have a one night stand makes me cringe. It might be a one night solution to a problem, yet I think it creates more. I mean, if you want someone there for you, which I do, a one night stand just won’t cut it.
I don’t really know where I am going with this, I guess it relates back to the fact that I like Amy. I would do anything for the girl, I can be myself around her, speak to her like my best friend and “connect” with her on a different level. I don’t know man, it’s a messed up situation, I thought she liked me. Maybe she doesn’t and sex doesn’t mean anything to her.
I just don’t know. I guess having a place to talk about it helps, kind of…. But not really. It doesn’t help the fact that I would rather have her as mine than other people. It kind of reminds me of Hank Moody and his relationship with Karen. He loves her unconditionally but there is always something in the way. I’m not saying that I love Amy because I have only really known her for 6/7 weeks.
The time we have spent together will always stay with me though, as much as I feel like a total penis feeling the way I do when she clearly doesn’t kills me. In the grand scheme of things 6/7 weeks is nothing, I get that. I just wish she would see what is good for her. Having security and someone there for her must be a peace at mind.
I may be a hopeless romantic in the fact that if I like someone I would be there for them no matter what, which may cripple my chances and make her think that we are “just friends.” Urgh, it hurts man. It really does but what can I do about it? I’m not officially obligated to the girl, I only be there for her because I want to. Maybe I should just take a step back and not be there as much.
I’ve heard that the good guy always gets hurt because they have the good heart that is willing to be there for the person that they like yet it gets ripped out by someone or something that doesn’t want or isn’t in the same place as them.
Maybe I should just shut down and not let myself known to people. What harm would that do? I mean shit man. I’ve said an awful lot in this blog, probably no one will read it and it will just go unrecognised, but who cares? I’d say I do but where would that get me?
Caring is a slippery slope. Getting yourself into a place where feelings are involved is a messy situation. I wish emotions would jus fuck off!! I might just go play some guitar and hide away. That might solve all of my problems. Yeah right, I wish.
Can anyone relate? Is anyone in the same position as me?
There’s some place for us all,
We can’t deny the way we fall
In love, the sky’s the limit.
The only way is if we admit it.
Stood dancing our nights away,
All the pussy and tits we crave.
Could be found in a place
In which we never expect,
This shit reminds me we must respect.
No more lies, no more deceit,
Being able to defeat
Our demons inside.
Makes us want to ride
The waves of life.
There’s one way to function,
Life for the day and aim for destruction.
The way we live will stay with us,
One day we’ll look back and buzz.
Here I am and here we are.
Whether we’re close or whether we are too far.
It’s not for me to decide that shit,
It takes two to tango or make us fall to bits
So I got contact lenses today… They are awesome!! I can’t believe I haven’t ever considered getting them before. I went into Specsavers and the woman was awesomely friendly, got me booked straight in for an eye test and to get them sorted, I was buzzing…
I mean the eye test was nothing new, obviously wearing glasses for as long as I can remember an eye test isn’t anything I haven’t ever done before. There was something new where they took a picture of the front and the back of my eye to see if it was healthy. So that was a new experience.
The woman that actually did my test and gave me the contact lenses was so fit! She was from Ireland and we had good banter. She was saying the she could recognise my accent because she had done her degree in Bradford which isn’t all that far away from York, where I am from. She showed me the picture of my eye that was taken when I did the pre-test and it was so interesting. She said it was all healthy so alls good there.
The whole sensation of the contact lenses going in was so strange at first… It felt so weird. My eye was watering so much and felt really really agitated. She said it would pass and it shortly did. She then took me through the steps of the test again to see if the lenses we working and of course, they were. It felt awesome!! Not having glasses on my face but being able to see for the first time since I can remember was such a strange feeling but so good at the same time!!
She then sent me to this other lass that was showing me how to take them out and put them back in again. Taking them out wasn’t so bad, it was putting them in that was the struggle. I was there for a while trying, but I did it, of course. I was fannying about for a while with my left eye, she said people struggle with their left eye if they are right-handed so it was nothing out of the ordinary. I got them back in and they arranged a check-up for next week and then they sent me on my way.
It was awesome walking through the street with no frames on my face but being able to see and read things. I was sat in the pub later and was sat drinking a pint and went to push my glasses up my nose and realised that they weren’t there. It made me laugh. I went into a shop that I used to go into quite a lot last year and the guy said to me… “You look different, where are your goggles?” I said “I got contact lenses today… ba bla bla” and we have a brief conversation about it and how it felt.
I got back home and was quite apprehensive about taking them out but I did just fine. It’s getting them back in that I am worried about now. I’m sure it will be fine and I will get them in okay, I am sat with my glasses back on now, I can’t wait until I can have them in all day and take them out just before bed… But because I am new to them, the opticians said I should work my way up with them, 4 hours today (but I had them in for 6.5 woops :P), 8 hours tomorrow, 10 the day after that and then for as long as I need them the day after that.
Well thats the story of me and my contact lenses… Hope you enjoyed reading :)
Hey… I don’t know really know where to start.
I really like this girl. Her name is Amy. She is absolutely gorgeous!! She has a body to die for and a personality that could make anyone fall in love with her. She lights up the room when she walks in, her smile is absolutely amazing. She makes me smile. She is the first thing I think of when I wake up on a morning and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. She is even in my dreams!! It’s funny really, I haven’t really felt this way about anyone, ever. She has had her fair share of bad times, as we all have. I enjoy listening to her, getting to know her. Being there for her. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for her to be honest.
But here’s the problem; she isn’t in a position to be in a relationship so she says. She has just come out of a 9 month stint with a guy that she didn’t really want to be with, that made her unhappy for the last few months of the relationship. Now she says she wants to be single for a while. She goes out with her girlfriends and goes out on the pull. She will go out and sleep with guys, which I am in no position to get jealous or even kick up a little fuss about. I’m not trying to say that she is a sleep about here, because she isn’t, she really isn’t. She is far from that. She also gets a lot of male attention while out, I have been out with her and her friends a few times before and they all get a lot of male attention, I mean they are beautiful girls, she is a beautiful girl. It’s not that I am easily jealous because she seems really loyal and if she were to have a boyfriend he would be the only one for her, you know what I mean?
But this is the thing that gets me; we spend a lot of time together, like a lot. If she is in Sunderland then we are almost guaranteed to meet up and see each other. We text everyday, call each other, these are the highlights of my days, honestly, I wake up and check my phone for a message she is the last person I say goodnight too. We even have sex on a semi-regular basis. The sex is absolutely awesome!! I mean out of this fucking world!! We connect on a whole new level. She has told me before that she has never had sex like it, we were intoxicated with certain substances at the time but she said it.
It’s killing me because I know that she is sleeping with other people at the same time as she is with me. As much as she says she likes me, i do believe her because she has told me before that she can’t talk on the phone to just any guy and we can sit on the phone for hours. Her smile when I am around is genuine and she laughs! She enjoys my company, I can see that.
I just don’t know. She has told me that if I wait for her, maybe one day when she is ready to commit again she might consider me as a boyfriend. I’m in a serious turmoil, I just don’t know what to do. I want to wait for her but I don’t want to be on a piece of string getting strung along and I don’t want her to feel as though that is what she is doing to me. I know that she does but I know where I stand with her. Which is technically on the sidelines.
I mean, I don’t mind really, well I do but I enjoy just having her around. Spending time with her. Being around her. The time we spend together is quality. What do I do? She knows how I feel about her and I kinda know how she feels about me, we have spoke about it on many occasion. It’s strange how women make you feel, make you do crazy things. Things we would never even think of doing. Mental. Well this was a good vent, I feel I got a lot off my chest but my situation still hasn’t changed. If anyone reads this, please help me. What do I do?
This is me and her on a night out a few weeks back. I love this picture. We both actually look like we are having fun and enjoying the time together. I mean, we weren’t out just us two, we was with a group of friends. I just thought you might like to see what I have to see but can’t have. I would love to be able to call her mine, call her my girlfriend. I would give her the world, I would treat her like a princess. Be there for her when she needed it and piss off when she wanted me to.
I’m pretty understanding but shite when it comes to women, I don’t have a clue what I am saying or doing half the time, what you see and what I say is what you get. I mean, I am honest, loyal and very loving. Maybe I show it too much (not that I show it massively to her), there is always a game to be played, I get that. But why can’t life just be simple? As the title of the post says….
What do I do?
Hey!! How’s it going?
I thought I would write a blog today about music, I am currently sat listening to City and Colour, Dallas Green is truly amazing… His voice just rocks. I could listen to him all day, he is just so soothing and calming. My favorite song by City and Colour if I had to choose would have to be Constant Knot or Body in a Box. No particular reasoning for this, just because constant knot was top played on my iTunes and I love the harmonica he uses in body in a box. On the other hand he has a more rockier band called Alexisonfire, again they are wicked. Quite a lot heavier than his city and colour stuff. It is Post-Hardcore, there’s not much screamo I like really but these guys and A Day To Remember are definitely well up there with my top bands. A Day To Remember are like my favorite band at the minute, I seriously cannot get enough of them, the mix between the vocals and screamo is spot on! I can’t name a favorite song by ADTR because they are all just so good and I really really enjoy them all.
My tastes in music is quite strange, I have been told by my friends that it is crazy… I can sit and listen to the like os slipknot, alexisonfire, deaf havanna all quite heavy types of music and on the other side of the musical spectrum there are the likes of Fleet Foxes and Mumford and Sons, Laura Marling and acoustic stuff. I love the idea of just someone sat with a guitar jamming and making music. Mumford went through a major hammering on my iTunes at one point, I could get enough of them, I downloaded all of their EP’s and all their older stuff that isnt really well known, saw them do a version of their song called The Banjolin Song that was done in 2008 before Sigh No More dropped… it was amazing! I watched it like 1,000,000 times, well baring in mind that it has 750,000 views on youtube that was clearly an over exaggeration. Folk music is where my tastes officially lie, I love the thought of telling a story through music. With a bunch of people that feel the same way about instruments as you. A double bass, banjo, mandolins, guitars, fiddles all take skill to be able to play… unlike the stuff of todays artists. I can’t stand todays commercial music, it sucks ASS!!! Anyone can put together a 4 line long song with a synthesizer and loads of computer generated beats. Anyone that can sit with a guitar and make a whole room of people be quiet because their ability is just so intense you can’t take your eyes off them. I love being enticed by a good song, it can take you away to a place where no one can get to you. No one can take that feeling away.
I guess musical influences come from your parents too, my mum and dad loved the likes of Oasis, The Stone Roses and The Offspring as I was growing up. I still listen to them these days, I went to see The Stone Roses at Heaton Park back in June… They were bloody amazing, well the crowd was. You couldn’t hear Ian Brown singing if you wanted to. The crowd was just drowning him out, it was mental! 73,000 people crammed into Heaton Park singing I Wanna be Adored was just an awesome feeling. The last song, I am the Resurrection was so intense too, the outro which is usually around 4-5 mins long ended up being like 15 minutes long it was wicked. The atmosphere there was just straight up love, maybe because of all the E’s that had been taken that day but still it was such an experience! Next in line for a big line up like that would have to be Oasis, it is coming up the anniversary and it would be amazing to see them again. I have been speaking with a friend debating as to whether it would actually happen because of Noel’s and Liam’s relationship. I don’t know, still, it would be so fucking cool to see Oasis do their thing!!
Well I am sat here writing and writing and my guitar is now calling because I feel just a little inspired to write a song, so I will sign off now and see you next time I come on here :)
I am on my way to York in the grand central passing through Eaglescliffe, Hartlepool, Northallerton and Thirsk before I hit York.
I am going to see my mum, I haven’t seen her since the beginning of the summer when I was over in Switzerland visiting her. I do miss her loads, I am so looking forward to seeing her again. Her living over there is hard sometimes but you get on with it and just learn to live your own life.
She is staying with my grandma at the minute. She has already seen my older brother and my younger one, I am the last of the siblings to venture to see her. It is easier for the other two to go see her because they live in York and it is just down the road.
The train ride is a nice one, there are some lovely pictures to be taken, I have taken one and will attach it to the blog. The train is nice and quiet, hence the time available to write this. Ha ha not so quiet in my ears though, I have A Day to Remember playing, a bit of post-hardcore rock! I have to say that i do love ADTR, I would love to see them live, it would be awesome.
What to do tonight? I have literally no cash and all of my friends are going out tonight to passion, I sooo want to be there, there is this girl going that I have to say is gorgeous! I asked her out on a “date” the other day but she “had to kindly decline my very nice offer”… What does that mean ha ha… she said she didnt want to start anything, does that mean just with me or at all… I suppose she is going back to uni in September so if we were to get involved it would be difficult to keep the relationship going. I wouldnt be able to do long-distance.
Well I think I am done for talking today, I could just keep typing and typing but you must be getting bored reading by now. I do hope you enjoyed reading this and like the picture that I will have attached.
Sat writing a #blog waiting for @jamierorison to arrive and get this YouTube show on the go :) #lambtonworm (Taken with Instagram)
Good Morning all, well it’s just about afternoon!
How we all doing today? I got stoned last night… the lethargic feeling that takes over me is unreal. I nearly missed my appointment at the Job Center this morning because of it. I just wanted to stay in my pit and hug my pillows. They are my friend when I am under the influence of THC. I am slowly beginning to realize how much of a curse smoking weed is.
I had a good night last night, don’t get me wrong, but when it jeopardises your abilities to function like a normal homo sapien it’s definitely not good for you. I had a couple of girls round that I used to live with during my year at university, they are really cool, we all have a laugh. The pair of them love the instruments I have, they said that it is like going into a child’s room, with all the things to play with and stuff.
I have a guitar, mandolin, a cajon box drum, a glockenspiel and a couple of harmonicas. They are the things that I live for… I was telling Rachael (one of the lasses) how the guitar can take me to a place where no one can touch me, the music takes me away, I lose track of time and I could just sit and play forever. When I picked it up it happened, she was trying to talk to me and I was gone, away with the musical notation and flow of the whole thing. I shut my eyes and that was it, I was in a land of the semi-conscious.
Went to the Job Centre this morning, what a fucking place, it is full of the scum of the Earth. I hate it, the people that are in there just have a look about them. A look of pure laziness and corruption. The woman that was asking me what type of job I wanted and stuff was gorgeous!! I mean really really hot. She said to me that it was a breath of fresh air to see someone so positive around. I mean my CV is pretty fucking awesome, I have to say that I do look good on paper, I’m not big headed or anything but it does look good. The fact that she picked up on it must say something. There was definitely a little flirting going on, she had the head tilt and every time she stood up she would adjust herself while looking at me, it was amazing.
So here I am now, in the Lambton Worm in Sunderland town, sat in the sun while writing this blog. I am enjoying these little venting sessions that I am having, it really is helping me get to grips with what life is actually about, getting out and about meeting people. I mean since being in here for an hour I have spoke to 3 or 4 people about nothingness really, it’s great. There is nothing like making new friends and meeting people and adding them into your memory.
I am waiting for the girls that I was with yesterday and my other friend Jamie, who is wanting to write a new youtube channel. He wants us to sit and bounce a few ideas off me and write a few new sketches to get recorded and put up. I am quite excited for it really, I mean, it has been aages since I have done anything properly creative; acting or done some proper writing. I have started to write a couple of things a couple of weeks ago, i wrote a few pages of what I thought was going to be a memoir of life or a novel I haven’t decided yet but it quickly gets forgotten about, I need to start and finish a project, this is my downfall, I start something that has potential to take me places but I just forget about it and let it slip.
But that’s enough from me today, I could sit and write for hours about me and what I am doing but I am going to go have a look on faceook and twitter and see what is happening in the cyber world. Peace out and remember… Feed the kids
So here I am, again, not posting pictures this time but posting words, literary substances. A group of letters coexisting and joining together to make these things that we communicate with. As much as I like using these things, the youth of today are determined on destroying it with reference to “lol, lmfao, pmsl, brb” all things I regrettably use daily.
I recently moved into a new house, that was supposed to be accompanied with my girlfriend at the time. All of my friends told me that I shouldn’t have done it, I definitely should have listened to them. I split up with her like 8 weeks ago, maybe more, and now she is just starting to move her stuff in. I currently have my best mate living with me, I have had the best time since we have been living together. We have a shrine to the stone roses that we went to see on 29th June. That was singly the best day of my life!!
The stone roses was actually amazing! It was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. Being at Heaton Park with 73,000 people was just such an eye opener to show me that there is more to life than the confines of a bedroom. It was that weekend I spent in Manchester that made me realize that me and my girlfriend weren’t meant to be, life is for living, not sat infront of my macbook getting stoned and watching lie to me and pointless movies, not for a second saying that lie to me isn’t worth watching because it most definitely is! I swear by it, by spending everyday infront of the computer screen getting high wasn’t for me.
My personality needs people, thrives off the standard coming and going of normal everyday life. When you have that companion that person you can spend every second of everyday with you don’t care and you let the person who you once were go. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because you are happy and you have the thing that makes you feel good, your girlfriend but when it comes to it and you look back in hindsight you definitely learn from the mistakes you once made. You have to, else you slip back into the way of life that is no good.
I am now weed from for two weeks and I have never felt so good. I am high on life, my energy levels have soared through the roof and I am getting out more, meeting more people. When I first moved to Sunderland my friend invited me to a party that he was having and from that party I managed to network with a whole bunch of people, a nice bunch of people. People that I then lost when I got with my girlfriend. I am seeing them again, I am having a good time, not saying that I didn’t have a good time in the relationship but having a good time doing what I used to, which is going out, meeting new people and having a good time while I am doing so.
I am on a serious mission to find myself, where I want to go in life, what I want to do, who I want to spend it with. All questions of life that no one can answer for you yet you have to find for yourself. Slowly they are coming to me, I am slowly becoming the man that I am supposed to. Who knows, I might actually accomplish something in life.
Well this was a nice little vent, let’s not keep it so long until the next one.